The Stories of Our Lives

Ambi’s Story

Out with the old, in with the older.

Signs of an unsuccessful shift

Ambi was accompanied by a CARET member to talk with a new person (NP).

In preparation for the conversation Ambi

  • collected all the tools that historically have supported self-regulation
  • noticed nervousness symptoms (racing heart, cold-sweaty palms, mild nausea, body tension)
  • stayed busy with tasks to avoid noticing the physical symptoms and thoughts
  • these internal conversations included (but aren’t limited to):
    • this new person (NP) isn’t going to believe you
    • this NP is going to agree you are crazy, broken and the problem
    • the CARET member continues to identify you this way (crazy, broken, problem, too much)
    • you have no choice. you HAVE to go do “hard things” because CARET is uncomfortable and doesn’t know what to do with you.

On the way to NP:

  • CARET asked Ambi if there was anything they wanted to share
  • Ambi responded:
    • “My goal for this conversation with NP is to allow both of us [CARET & Ambi] to share in a safe space so that we can feel heard and understood.”
  • Internally Ambi thought of another goal:
    • That both CARET and I leave the conversation with action-able tips to improve our communication (and thus my personal safety) moving forward.

Entering new space where Ambi was to meet NP:

  • Extreme sympathetic nervous system symptoms
    • distal limbs colder than ice
    • body trembling with fear
    • etc.
  • Ambi acted to honor the body’s clues by
    • finding a seat near a window
    • tucking feet up and in to assume a more compact position
    • take out journal (one of self-regulation tools)
    • try to minimize environmental input
      • focus on deep breaths
      • minimal engagement with CARET sharing unsolicited updates
  • Still Ambi noticed
    • CARET pacing the space
    • CARET asking Ambi to fill out a form for the both of them
    • noises of doors opening, distant conversations, background music

Throughout the conversation with NP

  • Ambi was consciously attempting to remain contained, yet appear “normal”, while honouring bodily cues of impending danger
  • Ambi noticed that NP shared a medical diagnosis with Ambi – NP’s brain was neuro-diverse
  • NP also had the capacity, and skills to act as a translator between Ambi and CARET!
  • Ambi felt a subtle shift, hope of mutually validating conversations with CARET moving forward
  • YAY!!!

Back at Ambi’s personal residence

  • CARET expressed their desire for Ambi to run into the house to grab >3 items and return, while CARET called a fellow CARET.
  • Ambi shared their desire to feed self (woohoo momentary decrease in nausea!!!)
    • offering a compromise of CARET engaging in their call while Ambi goes inside to eat, then together they could collect items for next outing
  • CARET appeared agreeable to call fellow CARET then come inside
  • Apon entering the residence Ambi retrieved personal leftovers (intended for Ambi’s lunch this past week)
  • While eating, Ambi was struck with joy and excitement to engage in a meaningful home-focused task that
    • sparked long-lasting joy
    • Ambi could enjoy individually and enjoyed sharing with others
    • encouraged being present
    • Ambi was slowly building confidence in
  • While preparing items for Ambis home-focused task, CARET was also indulging in leftovers but sought more subsistence – in the form of an odorous canned food
    • Ambi recognized this scented food as one of CARET’s preferred
    • So simultaneously Ambi verbally acknowledged the odour and retrieved one self-regulatory tool to combat the aromas at a personal level (Ambi used to regulate Ambi)
  • CARET observed Ambi’s pursuit and brought said scent-laden food into Ambi’s sacred space.
    • Ambi felt overwhelmed by the olfactory threat and said
      • “you know I am sensitive to smells, can you please remove that item?”
    • To which CARET responded amusingly that it was a joke, while not acknowledging or acting on Ambi’s request for object removal
    • Still overwhelmed Ambi deserted the safe space in an attempt for self-preservation
    • CARET made verbal implications that Ambi was over-reacting
  • Identifying an additional auditory threat Ambi re-entered the danger zone to retrieve a second tool to minimize audible assault
    • CARET told Ambi to “smile” while further invalidating Ambi’s attempts for self-regulation
  • With the few drops of capacity remaining in Ambi’s bucket
    • Ambi implemented both tools and informed CARET that the outing would have to wait until after Ambi completed the meaningful task
      • Ambi could feel the negative energy wafting off of CARET like the heat of a red iron
      • But Ambi stood strong
    • “Why don’t you do it this way?” CARET asked while Ambi engaged in the task
      • But Ambi stood strong
    • CARET carried a task behind Ambi and bumped (Ambi thinks intentionally) into Ambi
      • But Ambi stood strong
    • CARET initiated step one of their task and returned to assess Ambi’s progress
      • But Ambi stood strong

After completing the meaningful task CARET approached Ambi ready to embark on the outing

  • Ambi expressed awareness of body needing to rest
  • CARET was confused, unaware of Ambi’s state
  • Ambi shared the state of her capacity bucket was dry, that rest was needed to refill before engaging in outings.
  • Still perplexed CARET inquired as follows (limited to 3 of many inquiries)
    • “Well can’t you get a bigger bucket?”
    • “Well when will you be able to do an outing?”
    • “You have done hard things in the past, it’s not realistic to not do them now!”
  • Bucket bare and NP translator absent Ambi attempted to communicate:
    • I recognize this is hard to understand given my previous performance and previously immense capacity for hard things
    • What I need in this moment is an easy thing – to rest and have time to refill my bucket
    • I still love you CARET and our relationship
    • This is really hard for me to take rest, but I want to feel better – I don’t want to live with a desolate bucket
  • To which CARET responded that Ambi
    • “so selfish“
    • “don’t care about me [CARET], our relationship or our outings”
    • “I have no choice but to put up with your decision”
    • and much more…
  • Ambi’s body began sending intense signals to exit the futile conversation
    • to which CARET expressed additional verbal onslaught at Ambi